What will you regret, at the end? An Australian palliative care nurse named Bronnie Ware worked for years with the dying; easing their passing after medicine had done all it could. Reflecting on the many patients she cared for, she came to see how much people grew when they were faced by their own mortality. "Every single patient found their peace before they departed, every one of them."
She also noticed recurring themes when folks reflected on their lives, and pondered the things they regretted. Late in 2011, she decided to write a blog about the top 5 things she had observed people felt sorry about before they passed. Her observations have been repeatedly reposted and much discussed ever since - perhaps none more than the regret "I wish I hadn't worked so hard."
There is much wisdom in these ruminations of the soon-to-be-departed, originally posted on the blog Inspiration and Chai. Looking at them again, it is possible that some adjustments are called for; also that we could probably go a little easier on ourselves.
She also noticed recurring themes when folks reflected on their lives, and pondered the things they regretted. Late in 2011, she decided to write a blog about the top 5 things she had observed people felt sorry about before they passed. Her observations have been repeatedly reposted and much discussed ever since - perhaps none more than the regret "I wish I hadn't worked so hard."
There is much wisdom in these ruminations of the soon-to-be-departed, originally posted on the blog Inspiration and Chai. Looking at them again, it is possible that some adjustments are called for; also that we could probably go a little easier on ourselves.
 What regrets will you have, in the end? | 1. I Wish I Hadn't Worked So Hard Bronnie says that this regret came from every male patient she ever nursed. They were especially sad that they missed so much of their children growing up and their partner's companionship - and she recommends people simplify their lifestyles. Women also had this regret, but to a much smaller extent - given that many of them had been the primary care givers and the recipients of their (hard working) efforts were their own children. I have heard the same regret in my work recording life stories on video, usually from men. But I never judge my subjects who find themselves in this position. |
After all, how do you know when you have worked enough, or saved enough, to support your family? And the way life is arranged, we are normally called upon to build our careers right about the same time that we start a family. If we are lucky enough to have some success - making choices to ease back a little easier - the temptation is to keep striving and earn a little more to give our children more options. Who knows what the future holds; and how many acorns stored in the tree will be enough?
2. I Could Have Let Myself Be Happier
Is that even possible? While it's true that "happiness" is somewhat genetically determined, for the rest we decide how happy we are going to be. Some of it may simply be waking up and saying "It is going to be a good day today..." and some of it is treating all experiences, even the difficult ones, as opportunities to understand and learn; Hope: It helps a lot to foster an optimistic approach to life because that helps us to deal with adversity; and Purpose: A sense of mission keeps us grounded and looking forward.
Just what your sense of meaning, hope and purpose should be is up to you. For some, religion ticks all three boxes; for others a secular life of service does the same.
Just what your sense of meaning, hope and purpose should be is up to you. For some, religion ticks all three boxes; for others a secular life of service does the same.
3. I Should Have Had the Courage To Live Life True To Myself
This was the most common regret: people not following their dreams. And once people's health begins to fail, it is often too late. We all need to be appropriately selfish and meet at least some of the goals we start out with. Young adulthood often gives us this chance; sometimes we need to wait till all the child rearing is over.
But again, let's not be too hard on ourselves. Life presents us with a perennial series of circumstances and choices. We make decisions, as best we can, as we go along. Very often those decisions do involve sacrifice, but normally for the ones we care about. We may forget - at the end - the reasons why we did not complete more items on our bucket list. But knowing people, my guess is that the reasons probably had to do with duty and love for others. Those reasons should be some compensation.
But again, let's not be too hard on ourselves. Life presents us with a perennial series of circumstances and choices. We make decisions, as best we can, as we go along. Very often those decisions do involve sacrifice, but normally for the ones we care about. We may forget - at the end - the reasons why we did not complete more items on our bucket list. But knowing people, my guess is that the reasons probably had to do with duty and love for others. Those reasons should be some compensation.
4. I Wish I Had the Strength to Express My Feelings
This one relates to the previous regret, because sparing the feelings of others normally involves a measure of self-abnegation. So it's not necessarily a bad regret to have.
Avoiding this regret probably means communicating more frankly. Bronnie Ware says that people may initially react adversely when you start speaking more honestly, but in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level.
Or not: How we express our feelings so as not to cause undue offense is a matter of contextual calibration and it may be hard to recall that context and your exact reasons years later. If you trust your younger self, you may have made the right calls along the way.
Avoiding this regret probably means communicating more frankly. Bronnie Ware says that people may initially react adversely when you start speaking more honestly, but in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level.
Or not: How we express our feelings so as not to cause undue offense is a matter of contextual calibration and it may be hard to recall that context and your exact reasons years later. If you trust your younger self, you may have made the right calls along the way.
5. I Should Have Stayed in Touch With My Friends
| "It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships," Bronnie observed in her work with dying patients. If the secret to happiness is social relationships, then we do need friends. Are old friends the best friends? Sometimes, but they are not the only friends. Friends are, after all, just the people we do things with - and that changes over time. If you live long enough, younger friends are the only friends you are likely to have! Me, I am hopeful that with all the modern technology and tools, we will eventually all live in a world where we will be able to reach out and touch our friends, old and new, at any time from anywhere - even at the very end. Wait, with our smart phones, aren't we already there? Cross this last one off all our list of future regrets! |  It all comes down to love and relationships |
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